I Forgot Anxiety At Home Today

What if I simply forgot anxiety at home today?
It would be on my desk, small and quiet. I wouldn’t see it. Wouldn’t think of it while putting on my shoes.
Free of worry, I would walk out the door. Such a beautiful day. Blue skies, not clouded by a blooming panic attack.
I’d walk up the hill, listening to music, not thinking twice about what might happen.
No horror scenarios would be written by my mind while entering and driving the subway.
And if it would stop in a dark tunnel for a moment, I would just roll my eyes and wait for it to continue moving.
And I wouldn’t study all the faces in the crowd, trying to figure out who might have murder on their mind.
I would make a decision based on rational thinking, not on a piece of chaos that accidentally found its way into my brain.
And I wouldn’t have to try to catch my thought because it didn’t try to float away like a balloon as usual.
I wouldn’t hesitate to enter the elevator. Wouldn’t grip the railing tightly while it moves up, up, up. Wouldn’t startle at that rollercoaster-loop sensation in my stomach when it stops with a thud.
I wouldn’t feel like I can’t breathe in an ocean of faces and voices.
I wouldn’t wonder a thousand times why someone looked at me and smiled. Wouldn’t search for the thing I did wrong until there was nowhere left to look.
I wouldn’t be too nervous to order ice cream in a busy place.
I wouldn’t be worried about being worried on this sunny day.
I would come home relaxed.
Until I see anxiety waiting for me on my desk.

Got a story about anxiety to tell? Join “Dear Anxiety” is a publication for experiences regarding anxiety and panic disorder: Healing Is A Journey …. and writing about it is a part of that… | by Nadja Sturm | Dear Anxiety | Medium. Join us and fill the void with voice!

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