Fuck perfectionism

I have regularly been experiencing lethargic symptoms; having no motivation to do anything and just wanting to lay there all day long. Not wanting to interact with anyone and even feeling fearful of the sound of people’s voices and the noises of everyday life. Basically, I’ve been living in my own shell for about five days.

The trigger was a minor human relationship trouble. Or, maybe the trigger doesn’t even matter. I’ve been feeling that I’d eventually end up like this if I keep living this way.

I turned 30 without achieving anything. Driven by a vague sense of unease about my future, I started to pay more attention to my lifestyle this year.

I kept a regular sleep schedule of 4:00am wake-up and 8:00pm bedtime, and also kept a daily routine of the following.

I don’t think I’m putting in any extra effort for this goal. There is no sense of pride or anything. I can say I have come a long way from where I was, living a life of decadence. I have been feeling fulfilled for a while now, but it didn’t last. Yes, I used to live a zero-point life, but then suddenly I decided to aim for a hundred points. It’s understandable why I can’t be satisfied with anything less than a hundred. It’s because I’m a perfectionist. I’ve always been someone who wanted things to be very black and white, not thinking in shades of gray. I’m like a computer in that way… When I’m motivated, I put in a lot of effort, but when I feel unmotivated, I fall to the ground in an instant. Also, I have had difficulties because I can’t start anything unless everything is perfectly prepared.

I got a hint from Buddhism to stop being such a perfectionist.

This is hard to put into words, but suddenly I had a realization, and my feelings lightened. Even if I’m only getting a score of 10 out of 100 in my life right now, it is still great. It’s like a lucky day when it feels like I can get a score of 100. In that moment, I felt revived. Of course, I don’t want to go back to my previous apathetic days. I now understand that my motivation is like a wave, so when I feel unmotivated I should accept it and try to stand up as soon as possible. Life is long, and there’s no need to rush. There’s no such thing as the shortest distance, so I should take it step by step.

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