To Thine Own Self Be True

I watched a short clip on a friend’s status one day. I guess it was an extract from a movie. In the clip, a man was narrating to a lady that when we pray, we get a situation that we apply what we pray for. Worry not, for I shall give an example. If I pray to be patient, God presents a chaotic situation. Hence, He provides a scenario to test me. This, I have come to believe, is the best way to see oneself.

There was a time when writing test was no big deal. Understanding materials were easy. I did not have to do anything extra than just being present when taught. The reverse happened at some point and, I flunked so bad! Well, a story for another day.

I belong to a wonderful body of Creation. And like a family, issues occur now and then. Before meeting this body, my physical family was my backbone. I had other families that were built on experiences and all. Some of these people became a part of my physical family as well. You see, growing up for me was built on expectations. I knew what was expected of me, so it gave me drive. Even when I did shady things, I just always blended to be outwardly good. For some reason, my chase for God continued to surface. To the point where I literally had no other plan than finding Him and following Him wherever that led. It was as though finding Him was the only thing to give my life meaning. This quest was what brought me to this wonderful body of Creation.

Remember I spoke about expectations earlier? I soon followed suit with my new family. The clash between my physical family and this body was subtle at first. Now, what fun would it be to unpack all of these in one story? Also, remember the clip from the beginning of the story? Well about a week or two ago, I started to study out Self Control. A lot was eating me up. I knew God was real but I was not sure the path I was on anymore. The pandemic had given me a lot to think deeply about my life. As I looked back on things that had happened and the changes that were happening now, I just could not place what was wrong. I started to question everything I could remember being told. I got deeply bitter at myself. I did not know who I was outside of people’s expectations. This brought the realization that the very fact that God is all I want, starts with ME.

You see, the challenge with family is that it provides a safety net. You never know you without that net if you do not step out. I stumbled on this quote — “To thine own self be true” and I realized, I have been leaning on the safety net of both families. I had not taken the time to figure me out all along! Everything began to suddenly make sense (actually, suddenly took a while though). Both of my families love me and want the best for me, I on the other hand never realized what my role in all of these was till Self Control met Solitude. God bless loneliness!

Now I see why I need to have a plan! I have felt used over time and had become cynical over everything. It took me Twenty-seven years, Eight Months, and Thirty days to get here! Never have I been truly grateful for living!

Like a friend once said, re-evaluate yourself from time to time if not daily :)

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